Lewis is back, he phoned me while I was out and just left me a message about needing to crash for a few hours. I could hear Carol in the background bitching at him about something. I'm still puzzling over the postcard and had a wild dream about palm trees last night.

Gods

Maybe a week after we set up a base at the palace, we started to take in all kinds of strays. There were chickens and cats and birds and even an emaciated water buffalo. We also had vendors trying to sell us everything from trinkets to contraband to illegal recreations. There were whores waiting for us every night and sometimes we took them in but TM always said to never let them stay more than two nights or they'll be like fleas and you'll never get rid of them. I tried to stay away from them all together because I figured I'd get something worse than fleas that I'd never get rid of.

One day, TM came back from patrol and had a run in with one of the whores. She was waiting on the steps outside the palace, hunched over in the shade. When TM came in and dropped his pack, she sprang up and started screaming at him. At first we all just started laughing because TM put on a dramatic performance of being confused and shocked. The more we laughed, though, the more pissed she became and she screamed at the rest of us in broken English that she was pregnant. That shut us all up and TM quickly grabbed her elbow and hustled her through the crumbling building and out of our sight. He came back around later as we were warming up some food, giving us all a lopsided smile. Everyone waited for him to bring up what had happened but he never did. Just kept stuffing his mouth with fake ham and grinning at us.

The next day, we went out to patch of sand where there were supposed to be an insurgent hidey-hole. We got caught in a firefight, they had dug in and would pop up and fire off a couple of rounds. We lobbed a few grenades but they were in pretty deep, Used the sand to cover their bunkers and we thought for a while they'd never come out.. Lt finally sent Pez and TM around to take out a sniper hole but TM charged towards one of the main bunker. The Lt was screaming at him to stop and yelling at us to back him up. We ran like banshees into the fray and TM disappeared into the bunker.

When all the dust settled, TM had killed three in the hole and seven in the bunker. He stood in the doorway, his M16 in one hand and an AK in the other. "I am God." he declared. The rest of us snorted, taking pulls on our water to wash the dust and death out of our throats. "I can create life and I can take it away." We all figured he'd gone crazy from the heat but in the back of my mind I was thinking he was right. The rest of us had been banging the girls in town and only he had created life.

After that day, we never saw the girl again, Dr. Hirsch made his first visit and TM never got so much as a scratch. Still wonder what happened to him after Germany

-Soldier Z

The Palace by the Lake

We had been patrolling our little piece of desert for a while and had set up a camp at a bombed out palace that looked out at Bahr al-Mihl. The place must have been disgustingly opulent before our pilots dropped some presents around it. Now half of the main building was gone, a pile of rubble. What was still standing was somewhat sturdy and we set up camp in it's shadow, fished in the salt lake and kept an eye on the vast, flat horizon. In the basement, we found bottles of wine but Lt Moon, who was still pretty green, wouldn't let us open them, We also found cans of food with which we upgraded our standard MRE so much that we ate off chipped fine china. I stashed three bottles of wine in a dead plant on the east side of the patio.

One hot day, we were standing down from patrol and Garcia, Pez and Medic took a walk to the lake. Lt. Moon was holed up under a date tree with some trashy paperback and the others were sleeping or watching a DVD or writing letters. I was antsy, jittery, and wandered around the remains of the palace, partially fascinated and partially disgusted by the excess. I wondered about the people that had lived here, surrounded by all their oil wealth and wondered if they even knew about the poverty we had seen on our patrols. I wanted to empty a magazine into all the shit I saw but Lt. would have busted my ass so I just threw stuff around until I got bored. Downstairs was dark and cool and I set up a chair in the shadows that gave me a view of the marble patio, the trees that ran down to the salt lake. I lit a cigarette and smoked it slowly in the shadowy quiet.

The quiet was broken by shouts and I could see Pez coming up from the lake with an Iraqi boy of 10 or 12 before him, the boy's arms were raised over his head. Lt Moon came running from his place among the trees with his sidearm drawn and as they turned I could see that Pez had his M16 leveled at the kid's neck. The kid looked scared and barely moved as Lt tried to talk Pez into lowering his weapon. /eventually, Pez took a step back and brought his weapon up, holding it in the crook of his arm. I tried to make out what they were saying but all I could get was snippets of words, fragments of understanding. The kid finally brought his arms down and shoved them deep into his pants pocket and tried to adopt a stance of defiance. I kicked a pebble out that bounced across the stones and the kid jumped, looking in my direction. I took a deep pull on the cigarette, the tip glowing bloodshot in the dark. For a moment I caught a look of terror in the kid's eyes and wondered if he'd been in this situation before. Maybe caught stealing dates and figs and having to stand there in the glare while the Sheik stood in the shade and considered his fate.

Then Medic appeared, holding a bloody rag against Garcia's shoulder. I shouldered my weapon, stepping into the sunlight as Lt and Pez turned and the kid made his break. The light was blinding and I could barely see him run into the thin stand of trees. There was shouting and as my eyes adjusted I saw Pez in pursuit as Lt checked on Garcia. I jumped off the edge of the patio to chase Pez who was shouting for the kid to stop. The kid ignored him, of course, weaved through the grove with a well-practiced precision. For my part, I just tried to keep up, feeling exhilarated with the chase and having something to do. Ahead of me, I saw Pez hold up and squeeze off a shot that peppered splinters in the air. The kid ducked a little but didn't slow down. Pez waved me off to the right, planning to drive him towards me. A quick burst from him, splintered another tree and, sure enough, the kid angled towards my direction. Pez shouted a whoop and fired again.

I shouted something about trying to capture him but Pez was having too much fun to hear me. I could see the water of the salt lake through the trees and wondered what would happen when the kid broke through with nowhere to hide. I wondered about Garcia and his wound and wondered what had happened down at the lake. There's a craziness that sets in when you've been still for too long. On a base, it takes a while for it to kick in but in the field you get so used to being on the edge. Pez was desperate to stay on the edge.

The kid looked at me, big dark eyes full of fear and prayer, and I hesitated. The kid stepped towards me, ready to surrender but he never got the chance. Pez's shot hit him in the side of the head and sent a pink mist into the air that hung for a moment, even after the kid had dropped to the ground.

-Soldier Z

Dr. Hirsch

Bad night of sleep.

Kept thinking about Dr Hirsch who had spent some time with us in the field. He had been assigned as a stress assessor and was supposed to observe our interactions with each other and the civvies we'd encounter. Basically, I think he wanted to see if any of us had gone loco yet and he made three trips out with us. I also saw him in Germany when I came out of my coma.

I remember he carried a note pad in a sand brown folder but I never saw him writing in it, just kept it tucked under his arm. A lot of the time he would sit at the edge of our group, not saying a word as we talked and bullshitted each other. At times, he would be so quiet you'd forget he was there but then when you remembered you'd feel like he was judging what you were saying, how you were siting, every action you were performing.

I guess I was thinking about him because when we last saw him, he was working with dogs at Al Asad Airfield. They were barking like crazy when I got on the plane to come home. He just stood there, watching me and Garcia as we were getting into our humvee to take us out to our plane. waved but he didn't acknowledge at all. Still held onto his notepad as the dogs barked and circled around him.

I remembered him asking me questions one night as we sat wound a small fire next to our bombed out palace. He wanted to know about where I grew up at, what my parents thought of my being there, whether I was bullied in school. Reminded me of the psychological exams we went through before we got shipped over.

I don't think I told him much. When you're out with your brothers, men who would die and kill for you, you remain very guarded with outsiders. Doesn't matter if they have bars and birds or are just civilians. Every question could be an attack, a way to separate us from each other or to get in with us.

So, Dr. Hirsch tried to take us one-by-one and ask us innocent questions but none of us fell for it. By the third trip we seemed to have reached an understanding and he mainly observed. It wasn't long after that third visit that we took heavy hits and I wound up in Germany

-Soldier ZD

Postcard

Carol called me back and said she hasn't gotten anything from Lewis since he left. I read her what was on the postcard and she had no idea what i meant either. She didn't seem particularly concerned about any of it, though. Like the card being from Florida or the oddness of the message. Told me to stop being so damn paranoid and just take a deep breath. She and I don't get along too well. I think she's an arty snob and she thinks I'm some Neanderthal out to lead Lewis down the path of destruction. Usually, when Lewis is around, we're okay and he can act like a buffer. I'm going to try to NOT contact Carol as much as possible.

-Soldier Z

Postcards from Elsewhen

Just wanted to make an observation about the mail today

Went to get mail but there was only a single postcard in my box. I'll try to get a picture of it on here. Anyway, it was from Lewis but the picture was from Florida and it looked like it was about a hundred years old. I was under the impression that he was out in Oregon or something. All it said on the back was "Weather is rainy, Clients are bitchy and horizons are clear. Don't worry bout me, get back to Binderburg soon. Lewis" The postmark was blurred and I could only make out the date, which was 05/30/2010

Have no idea what Binderberg was or where it is. Not sure what the reference to horizons means either. Don't know why the picture on the front is of a banana tree in Florida.

Left a message with Carol to see if she got the same thing.

-Soldier Z

Lewis

Lewis was supposed to be back from wherever it is that he has vanished to but now it seems like he's not due back for a few more days. His girlfriend Carol says she got a call from him at like four in the morning and all he said was that he was tied up and wasn't sure when he would get back. She said was she was half-asleep still and just kind of said "fine" and went back to sleep. It was only when she got up in the morning that a lot of questions formed in her head.

Lewis took off with little notice, said something about having to do an IT job for some client out west but was pretty vague to her. His cell phone's been out of range so contact has been intermittent. Personally, I'm ok but I do miss getting his feedback on this and would love to hear his insight into what was going on with the dogs yesterday.

-Soldier Z

Chased by Dogs

Had gone for a walk downtown this morning to get out of this quiet apt and out of my head. Parked my truck by the hardware store and wandered along 4Th Ave. A lot of the shops have closed and the ones that are still here are barely hanging on. There's this obnoxious coffee house across from the park that seems to believe the only way to enjoy coffee is with lite jazz and far too much useless information about where the coffee comes from. I try to avoid it but there's not much else open early in the morning. I sipped the iced coffee and walked toward the city hall area and the giant oak trees that surround it. There's a bench I like to sit at and just watch people.

Being able to just sit and relax is one of the things you miss when you're on mission. We spent plenty of time just watching the crowds as they milled past our post or approached out checkpoint. However, you were always on alert, no relaxing as you watched for suspicious actions, packages or bodies. You tried to pass the time muttering insults or making cracks about the people you saw but you never lost the edge. For the longest time I would sit like that after I got home, always on the edge of the bench and poised to run. Always watching for that hajji that wanted to get to mecca even though I was far from the sandpit.

So, I'm sitting there and all of a sudden two mangy looking dogs come out of the bushes behind me, moving so quiet I didn't even hear them until one of them tried to jump over the back of the bench. I didn't make it, but I jumped up and threw my coffee at it. Well, the other one didn't like that much and started barking like mad at me. Funny thing is that I had faced down gun-wielding madmen and pissed off Mom's but I was now frozen at the sight of the two snarling dogs. I managed to back around the bench and both dogs were watching me intently. I knew better to turn my back, so I backed away slowly but the dogs were having none of it. They started toward me so I moved back faster and bumped into a tree. The smaller one jumped at me and, I'm sorry to say, I ran.

Ran across the lawn in front of the courthouse, past the lawyers heading to court, past the secretaries, past a couple of other early morning runners but the dogs didn't let up. I turned down an alley that would get me back to where my truck was parked and I had four dogs after me. Their barking echoed off the walls making it sound a lot worse than it probably was. I fumbled for my keys and when I entered the lot by the hardware store, I had the door key out and ready. Even now, writing this, my hands are shaking. I got in and slammed the door and there were six dogs of varying sizes snapping and snarling at my truck. One stood in the bed, looking at me through the back window. I could hear their claws scraping along the metal as they leaped up at my closed windows.

Took about an twenty minutes for them to give up. I looked up and they were all walking back down the alley with their tails between their legs and I swear I saw a man in dark suit standing on the fire escape of one of the buildings. I started the truck and started to roll forward but he stepped away, back into the shadows.

I got home and poured myself a big glass of JD at 9:30 am. Now it's dark and I'm waiting for Lewis to get back onto town tomorrow to see what he thinks. Nobody else is reading this shit so I don't know if writing any of this is helping me out. Still get the damn headaches.

-Soldier Z

Memorial Day II

Felt like hell this morning, Felt like an idiot for punching that guy and for getting thrown out of the bar and went back to apologize and at least pay the bill. They were just opening for lunch when I got there and Laurie was working an early shift. As I stepped into the bar, she came around and grabbed my arm to lead me into the backroom. I still felt bad about what had happened and kept trying to apologize but she kept hushing me. Once we got back there I got a good look at her and she looked nervous.

She said that there had been two guys in the bar that night, sitting at a back table and she thought they were weird but didn't really pay them too much attention, looked like businessmen. Anyway, after I got thrown out they stayed until almost closing time and then they started asking a lot of questions about me. Wanted to know how often I came in, what did I drink, what did I talk about, were she and I dating. They also grabbed her camera and flicked through the photos, she thought they deleted some. When Frank (the owner) realized that they were hassling her and came over to intervene they backed off, dropped a $100 for a $45 tab and left.

She said they were really creepy and she wanted to know what I had gotten myself into. I immediately thought back to the other day, outside that interview that I was supposed to go to. Were these the same men that had been in that car? Why were they stalking me at a bar?

Laurie seemed scared as hell and I had no answer for her. Lewis hasn't been around much the last few days so I tried to call some guys I knew in the VA but haven't gotten an answer back from anyone. I know it all sounds so paranoid but what if someone's searching for me? Trying to remember anything significant while I was overseas is not always easy and there's a few months when I was in the hospital that are just a blank.

-Soldier Z

Memorial Day

Memorial Day......what a crock of shit. Spent most of the day down at Risher's Bar, drinking 2 for 1's until some asshole started talking shit. Kept saying how we weren't doing anything over in Iraq and Afgan and we shouldn't be celebrating war. Laurie kept looking at me and trying to keep me calm by leaning over and giving me great view. Normally that would have done it but for some reason all could hear was this whiny voice and made me think of the sand flies and I just wanted to swat him.

I did swat him, knocked him on his ass but I was the one that got tossed out.

-Soldier Z

Jobs II

So, I had this job interview yesterday and was feeling all keyed up about it. Haven't been on an interview in a while and not since I got away from the Wizard at the hospital. So I made up a fake briefcase and got into my suit and polished my shoes, stepped out looking like a nice strac. Parked my truck a couple of blocks away off the main street. I thought the walk would help me get my thoughts straight, let me go over what I thought would happen in my head and give me a chance to relax. Usually, I'm very tense when I first step out of my truck, feels too much like I'm stepping out of the Humvee with a hundred targets on my back. That was always the most vulnerable time in the streets.

So, I started walking and trying to not sweat too much and not be too distracted by the office girls out on the streets. A big black sedan went past slowly, I almost didn't notice since it was on the other side of the street but as it passed, it sped up. I followed it as it slowed and pulled a u-turn and parked in a spot on the street. I know it sounds crazy, but I stepped into the doorway of Schumann's Shoes and watched it from the shadows.

Nobody got out.

The damn suit was so uncomfortable, felt as hot and as heavy as body armor and I just wanted to rip it off. Even in the shade I was sweating. I knew I had to move, that it was just a car and no reason for me to be nervous but I couldn't move. I knew that if I didn't move Lewis would be all over my ass as would the lady from the VA that set this all up. I steeled myself, waited for a couple of businessmen to pass and shadowed behind them. I kept one eye on black sedan and one eye on building numbers and came to an expected result. The car was parked directly in front of the building that I was going to.

I stopped about three doors down and pretended to be interested in whatever crap was for sale in the window. I watched them in the reflection and felt all prickly down my spine. There were two figures in the front seat in black suits. I felt certain they were looking directly at me even though it was impossible to see their eyes behind their dark sunglasses. The longer I stood there, the more my mind imagined and I felt a great pressure building around me. It was like when we'd be waiting at checkpoint for a couple of towelheads to approach and you just knew they were going to be trouble.

I couldn't stand it anymore and had to move. I stepped away from the storefront and shook my head in mock disbelief. Pretending to have forgotten something, I turned and headed back the way I came and trying to be casual about it but feeling totally on edge. I kept walking cool and calm, keeping my eyes focused on the sidewalk and being prepared to dive away from the street.

By the time I reached the truck my legs ached and I was drowning in my suit. It took me a whole thirty minutes to be calm enough to start up and drive away. The whole ride home, I kept looking in the rear view mirror for the black sedan but nothing seemed to be following me.

Who were they? Why were they there? It was a simple sales job so why would they want to stop me?

I'll keep you posted

-Soldier Z

Jobs

I have a job interview today. Haven't been on one in a while but it was setup at through the VA. I hate wearing a suit, have a hard time getting my tie right and it always makes me think of funerals. When my Dad died I had to have Aunt Polly tie it for me, she damned near choked my neck and kept mumbling about how Dad shouldn't have been out shoveling snow at his age and how it was appalling that no one (meaning me) had come over to help him out. I remember she smelled like cherry cough drops and mothballs and I could see her eyes drifting further and further away as she worked on the knot, trying to get the length to come out right. After Dad's funeral, I didn't hear from that side of the family again. I wonder if they even knew I joined the Army.

-Soldier Z

Crime Wave

I WANT TO HURT SOMEBODY!!!!!!!

Spent the whole damn day out, trying to just relax and when I got home some asshole had broken in moved things around. My desk had been gone through, files rifled through even the garbage can was moved. Crazy thing is that nothing seems to be missing and most everything is exactly where it should be but I know it's been touched, moved, searched. This kinda crap makes me so mad!!! I tried calling cops when it's happened before but they're useless. Telling me that if nothings missing they can't do shit.

Damn.....now my head is pounding again and I'm hearing all the sounds my apartment makes. Ticks and clicks, like an old man's bones settling as he sits down after a long day. The guy upstairs is snoring already but I can hear his TV droning softly. Pipes rattle as taps are turned on and off. Someone drunk is out in the alley singing. There's like things flickering at the edge of my brain, like images just beyond my peripheral or conversations that you can only catch a word or two. I always think about cartoons where the bridge crumbles as Wiley Coyote tries to run across it. I can know these things until I try to actually look at them then they just crumble out of reach.

Need more pills

- Soldier Z

Oasis

Woke up with an ass-kicking headache.......ugh!

Dreamt of Slav last night but in my dream he still had his legs. He was at some oasis, I think it was Abraham's Oasis at Al Asad Air Base, and he was dancing to some music and was jumping in the air and everyone was cheering him on. All our brothers were there; Lt Moon, TM, Garcia, Pez, Robby. Then, he jumped and didn't come down but just went higher and higher and we just watched him going up into the sky until he was just a little black dot that winked out. The oasis was quiet then and when I looked back around, everyone was gone. A really bright light was sweeping the tall grasses that grew around the water and I tried to hide from it and crawled on my belly towards a couple of date palms.

That's when I woke up and I was huddled under my desk and my head hurt like hell. Just waiting for the yellow and blue pills they give me at the VA to kick in.

- Soldier Z

Keep it Simple Stupid

Yeah, I didn't write anything yesterday and nobody noticed. Big surprise there! Lewis says I need to get into the regimen of making an entry everyday. I know all about regimen since that is what the army is all about. We used to patrol a sandpit of a town not too many klicks from Al Mardi and it was so boring. That was one of my first locs when I got my boots on the ground and not an impressive place to be. Everyday was the same, walking the empty streets, looking through the houses, verifying the abandoned cars on the streets were okay. Slav (he had some unpronounceable Russian name) used to say he knew the name of every desert flea in the damn town. He went down two months after i got there when some old Fiat that we'd passed everyday without incident blew up one day. He knew the regimen and followed protocol and still went home without his legs.

Uh...not that I think my computer is going to cut my legs out from under me if I don't write everyday. I started to write yesterday but all i ended up with is a blank screen and the more I thought about it, the more my head hurt. I get headaches sometimes when I try to remember things, thinking about Slav caused no problems.

-Soldier Z

This Mad World

My thanks to Lewis for helping me set this up and getting me started. Just like in the field, it's good to know who has your back, dude.

I'm not too sure about all this blogging shit, some guys back at my base were all into it but it seems like just talking to yourself. That's why when Lewis suggested I do this I thought he was crazy. Still, no idea on what I'm going to write and how its going to come out. Sometimes I get a random memory and I'll just start talking about it in the middle of a regular conversation, like just suddenly going off on some crazy-ass rant.

I don't know.

So, he says I should start at the beginning but who really wants to read about my childhood & growing up in the country so maybe I should start with my boots on the ground in Iraq but that gets kind of fuzzy. How about when I got back home but that's jumping ahead of myself. Besides, ain't no one going to be reading this, 'cept maybe the spooks that I keep seeing around me.

--Soldier Z